Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We are all done wearing pants today
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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