sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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