i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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