My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
