Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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