Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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