if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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