bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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