I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
