dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Let's paint friendship bongs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
