hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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