Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
