Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
