Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
