he wants to bone in the snuggie
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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