i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
