i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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