that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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