have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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