I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
