Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
sarcasm needs its own font
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
