God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
