Your face is a jimmy john
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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