We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
