I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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