btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
