I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
