Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
