Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
