hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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