2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
