if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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