Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's shark week go big or go home
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
