Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
