No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
no, he came in my armpit
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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