i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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