i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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