Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
