as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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