the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
