my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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