i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
