Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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