I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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