The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
