The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
