New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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