So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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