did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize