i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
pop tarts are not kleenex
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
