Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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