you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
