All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
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