you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
