I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
