He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
