words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
