I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize