using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
