Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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