My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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