i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
