So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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