"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
