He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
