you didnt know i had herpes?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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