it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
