So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
