Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
