Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
